The Philosopher Games: Who would win in a knife fight between all the philosophers?

Round Three: The War

This is the decisive round during which factions form and split, heroes die, and bloodshed abounds. Almost everyone is willing to shed blood. 

With the Christians thrown into confusion by attacks from every side, they lose formation and some begin to scatter to the forest. The great battle continues to be waged in the face of the rout. The armies crash into each other like waves upon rocks. A war frenzy takes the entire arena, and those who were previously unengaged hear the sound of fighting and rush to the field to join the fray. Teams slowly begin to dissolve as man takes out man with regard only for life and philosophy. The body count begins to pile up, and all the names are valiant souls.

Anaximander follows Thales into battle with all the loyalty of a war hound, but is cut down by Aristotle, whose radical independence causes him to break from Socrates and Plato to land a crushing blow upon Anaximander’s skull. For all the strength of his paradoxes, Zeno abandons his theory of the unity of everything when Moore slices him into two very distinct halves. Lucretius’ epicurean madness is effective for a while, but eventually Marcus Aurelius’ stoic stride brings him past Lucretius’ whirling blades and within striking distance. St. Jerome attempts to flee to the wilderness, but Al-Ghazali follows him with the fervor of jihad. They grapple on the outskirts of the woods until Jerome stops breathing. Abelard takes down Al-Ghazali from behind, but is then dragged from battle and neutered by Sun Tzu. Calvin meets his inevitable destiny at the hands of Erasmus, whose humanism cannot face down the cold-hearted utility of Machiavelli’s philosophy, and the pedagogue soon eats dust. Aristotle, furious that Galileo mocked his cosmology without acknowledging how much he owes him, cuts the little scientist open. Heidegger kills Stein despite the best efforts of John Paul II. Pascal finds out that Heidegger used to be a Jesuit novitiate, so he goes to kill him. He is intercepted by Francis Bacon, who kills both Heidegger and Pascal in the name of the New World Order. The Utilitarian Trinity (Mill, Mill, Bentham) finds itself wedged between the fury of Marx and Sartre. Hegel is double-teamed by Schopenhauer and Nietzsche, who abandon their German brother for the sake of philosophy and rivalry. Chesterton, once an unstoppable force, is surrounded by the post-war existentialism of Sartre and Heidegger. They quietly put the heavyset cavalier to sleep, and people forget he even existed. Goethe congratulates Heidegger for his excellent work, and then slits his throat. The very material knife of Hobbes finds its way past Goethe’s literary show. Nietzsche’s despairing knife twists to leave Sartre lost in a permanent existential nothingness. Peirce’s semiotics are rendered meaningless when Derrida deconstructs his corpse. Focault’s theoretical ideas of power are crushed by the very literal and meaningful power of Sun Tzu’s mailed fist. Heraclitus is about to take out Socrates, but he suddenly begins to foam at the mouth and then falls to the ground from shit-poisoning. Avicenna is choked from behind by Wittgenstein, Newton is smashed by Empedocles, and Moore is just kinda hit on the head by someone.

End round 3.

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