Padre Pio Jokes: A Homage to the Catholic Chuck Norris

When the devil goes to sleep at night, he prays for protection against Padre Pio. 

Demons sit around the campfire and tell Padre Pio stories. 

Some Saints can walk on water, Padre Pio can swim through land. 

Padre Pio’s hands are the only hands that can beat a Royal Flush.

Padre Pio does not sleep. He waits.

Padre Pio’s tears expel demons. Too bad he never cries.

God sued Graham Greene because “The Power” and “the Glory” are trademark names for Padre Pio’s stigmata’d fists. 

Padre Pio asked for Our Lady’s intercession and killed 50 demons. Then, Our Lady decided to intercede.

Holy water asks Padre Pio for grace. 

Once a demon physically abused Padre Pio. After five days of excruciating pain, the demon died.

Padre Pio prophecies the death of Ouiji boards.

Once Padre Pio went to an arcade and played Resident Evil. After a few minutes, the game was renamed Vacancy. 

If Padre Pio goes to confession with another priest, he gives his confessor a penance.

Whenever Padre Pio needs to confess, he bilocates and hears his own confession. 

The only reason Padre Pio can’t trilocate is because God has mercy on the devil sometimes. 

Obi-Wan dresses up as Padre Pio for Halloween. 

When Padre Pio drinks too much, he doesn’t get drunk, the drink get’s Padre Pio’d. 

Behind Padre Pio’s beard is not a chin, but more holiness. 

Dominicans read books. Padre Pio reads souls. 

The Allies bombed Padre Pio’s town during the war. After a few days of incessant carpet bombing, the Allies surrendered. 

The Israelis are mad at Padre Pio because one time he visited the Badlands and they became the Holy Lands. 

Padre Pio’s prayers kill cancer. There is no killing Padre Pio. 

If Padre Pio had an arm-wrestle with every atheist in the world at once, Jesus would win. 

Padre Pio goes back in time to the persecution of Christians in Rome. He burns the torches, flagellates the whips, laughs at the crowd, and eats the lions.

Satan brought Padre Pio to the Tree of the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil. ‘If you eat the fruit of this tree, you will know all things. You will even be able to…’      He was interrupted by Pio: ‘Read your mind? I know, and it’s too late for that.’ 


3 thoughts on “Padre Pio Jokes: A Homage to the Catholic Chuck Norris

  1. Pingback: The Best Human Being EVER! (OR: What Pope Francis has to offer) |

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